I often write about moving on in a healthy way after being betrayed by an affair. So, I often have people who contact me and tell me that although they very much want to leave the pain of this whole situation behind them, they are having trouble getting over things like the betrayal of this whole situation. There are many issues that must be overcome here, but one that is the most difficult is dealing with how someone who supposedly was supposed to love and cherish you could betray you in this way.
Not only that, but often it's not only the husband and the other woman who knew about this. There are often mutual friends, coworkers, or acquaintances who also knew but never said a word. You will often feel like everyone but you knew about this and yet no one had the integrity or cared enough to let you in on this dirty little secret.
I very much understand this, having gone through it myself. It is a difficult situation. But usually, if you play your cards right, you will come to a point where you realize that fixating on this is only hurting you further. This is only continuing to churn out negative emotions and pain. Honestly, you can't control how other people behave. You can, however, control yourself and how you handle this process. I will discuss some ways to deal with this betrayal in the most healthy way possible in the following article.
You Have To Find A Way To Pause This Negative Cycle That Is Likely Playing Out Every Single Day: Here's what I suspect about your situation because I have been there. There will come a time when you get sort of sick of feeling the awful way that this feels. So you will wake up in the morning and you will vow that you are going to try to focus on the positive and not dwell on this. But, inevitably, the thoughts of betrayal and anger find their way back again before you've even had breakfast.
And suddenly you are in this cycle all over again and realize that if this is what you have to look forward to, you're not at all excited about your future. The thing is, your first goal has got to be to slow or interrupt this cycle. This whole thing can become a self fulfilling prophecy. So, when you start to feel the feelings, then you think "great, here we go again," and so it just keeps going.
You have to find a way to switch this off that works for you. After much experimentation, I finally conditioned myself to replace the "oh no" thoughts with actions that took care of me when this happened. I was trying to replace the bad emotions with a pay off that would make me dread these feelings much less. So, when these feelings and anger about the betrayal started, I would stop and go for a walk with my dog. I would ask my neighbor to meet me for coffee. I would do yoga. I would meditate. And some of these were new things for me but after a few weeks of this, I found that the worries and feelings started to abate.
I believe that this was partly because I'd broken the cycle. I had conditioned myself to know that when these feelings came, I was going to replace a positive for a negative so there was no reason to allow myself to get caught in the mire. This began to lesson the power that these fears had on me. You may have to experiment to see what works for you, but if you can begin to pause or interrupt this process, you will usually find that you begin to get some relief.
Understand That It's Not About Them, It's About You: When you become obsessed about the betrayal, you are focusing on others. This is normal. We all do it. But, focusing on them does nothing to help you. Your number one job right now is to safeguard your own well being. If you place the focus on them all of the time, you are essentially putting them first. This is backward. Let it be all about you right now, not all about them.
Now, you're likely to ask yourself questions like "how could they do this to me?" Or, "they must think that I'm really stupid or pathetic." Again, you must interrupt this process. You can't possibly know what they are were thinking. What really matters is what and how YOU are thinking. And you must understand that they were caught up in a destructive pattern and process that is, essentially, their issue, at least right now. They likely weren't thinking rationally or acting as themselves. This is no excuse and I certainly don't mean for it to be.
But, as best as you can, you have to worry more about your health and your own well being rather than placing your focus mostly on them and their thoughts and motivations. You may never know what and why they were thinking as they did. As someone who did not chose these actions, you're unlikely to generally understand why someone would act this way anyhow.
It's likely impossible for you to understand something that you would not even personally consider as your own reality. You are asking questions for which you might never get the answers that are going to completely satisfy you and fixating on this might delay your own healing and progress. It's not selfish to put yourself first right now. It's completely necessary.
Your Own Happiness And Peace Will Often Put A Halt To The Betrayal Worries: At the end of the day, if you're able to rebuild your life and well being, you will often have no need to dwell in the past. This is a process that will take time. But if you focus on yourself and what you want and need, and get to a place where you've at peace and are happy, then you will likely realize that these worries are in the past. So, rather than dwell on the negative and on getting answers that aren't likely to come, place your focus on what you can do to help yourself to heal. Because this is usually the key to putting thoughts of the betrayal behind you.
Although I never would've believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Katie_Lersch
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